Good very early morning ladies and gentlemen … I was up at sparrow’s as I had a lovely early night as usual. Went through to Melville after work to say hi to B. He’s the owner of an ok restaurant I like to go to sometimes, mostly for a glass of wine and to people watch and chat. Last year, lets call him Bill was a maniac. He was … well mostly angry and he was so mean to his ever-changing staff it wasn’t amusing after a while and I stopped popping in. He lives in a flat upstairs and he would appear around 7pm and start drinking and abusing people. Then, a few months ago I saw Bill and he looked a million times better and I could sit down and converse with his crowd so I started going back sometimes. Last night we got to talking and it was clear I got too close to the bone when we were talking about his earstwhile gay escapades. His personality switched into angry mode and I was stuck thinking gee, this is that crazy guy and here I am stuck on the receiving end of his abuse. At the same time, he was completely sane and super sharp … deep down I sense he is an amazing person although I don’t think I’ll ever seek out his company again. Then he told me that this (yesterday) morning was the first time he’d managed to drink ….. a glass in the morning without gagging. I didn’t quite catch what he said but I know he quit drinking, smoking and most likely various drugs all cold turkey a while back, and I replyed, oh you drink water in the morning and it makes you sick? URINE, he say, I drink my urine every morning and this morning was the first time I didn’t gag.
B tells me he is in a spiritual programme where he has to drink his pee in the morning … he quoted the Bible and said something about drinking from your own well. I said, well I always took that to mean that you’re emotionally and spiritually intact, that you don’t go vamping or being vamped or abusing or being abused around the place but sure it could mean drinking your pee I spose. Then he told me about how he has square up with the mirror and shout at his ego everyday. He shouts at his jealousy and anger and all of it and says, YOU SUCK, YOU EFFING EGO I DON’T WANT YOU HEAR YOU M***F**** piece of S****. For the second time, B had me quite amazed; I have never heard of these practices before. I thought deep down you had to love yourself and “allow the ego to disolve”. But who knows, this might not be a bad idea for very very angry people. After all, you’re getting the anger out and directing it to where it’s due … I might try this sometime but I will NEVER EVER drink my urine especially not in the morning.
In other news, I have posted the stories of the “gates of hell” and the scorpion on a website in Ireland that is giving people resources to deal with the changing cultural landscape there, with the church losing its grip and people being exposed to all kinds of different ‘cultic’ groups. They also address the Muslim community’s issues, people who are vulnerable to all manner of spiritual abuse, and it seems like a very calmly moderated and valuable resource. On one level it’s uncomfortable for me to speak openly about the crazy things I used to believe and to hear the ravings of other people still in the grip of the cult … and I remember Gudni saying once, Don’t Process (your psychological issues) There’s No Time. For ages this contributed to me not addressing myself and living rather in a daily state of fear. I think it got combined with the whole, your mind can’t be trusted, it needs to rather be controlled imprint and with something else Gudni said: Don’t think, if you think about this stuff it will get pulled back in. Well, I feel now that these ideas only served to keep in a state of denial, which, according to established prinicpals of dealing with trauma, is the first stage, right. The second stage is anger … and yes there’s anger mixed in with my postings about my experience with the cult and it’s weird that I still feel a bit guilty about it. There’s this thing, also from the cult and everything that went along with it, that expressing anger is akin to revenge so that brings on guilt. So I like Bill’s insight and I say You stupid MEFFING GUILT, EFF OFF! That feels quite good:) Overall, I think posting about my experiences is wholly positive. It moves me along my process, even though it’s uncomfortable, and it helps me to see where I’m still frightened, funny little nuggets that still cause me to feel uncomfortable, where I still hold cult beliefs. I’ve had quite a few a ha moments in the last two days so it’s definitely worth it. Another thing Gudni said (Gudni’s says, Gudni says …. :)) that had stuck in my mind was that: What we focus on grows. I interpreted that to mean, ignore the need to deal with my experiences and heal because I’ll only make them worse. The fact that I would feel funny the minute I touched on them only reinforced this belief. Now it’s obvious that of course it’s going to be uncomfortable but that if I deal with them appropriately, in fact they dissipate.
Enough of the cult:) I’m working remotely all weekend for the S X, which is great, working from home. Still I’m tired and I have so much to cope with over the next few weeks, with moving and the trauma of the insane rate (3x the national average) and horrific nature of CRIME in Walker Fruit Farms, and still dealing with the fact that Doug and the family are no longer issues in my life … and of course considering my next next move. Hey if ever there was a time to stay present it’s NOW.
Blessings and a mighty fine day to you!!!
Sally Shaw 